This will be me, or my attempt to figure out who I am. This is my attempt to reach out blindly into the web and see if maybe somebody cares enough to read this, and see if maybe they understand me, who I am, what I go through, and most importantly, how the inner workings of my thoughts run. I, like any other person, crave understanding. Part of me hopes someone will see this and actually get it, and yet another part of me actually hopes no one does. No, thats not true, I'm more afraid someone will. Funny isn't it?

I suppose that whenever I feel I need to just write - complain, explain, vent, whatever - and have SOMEBODY see it, this is where I will go. Sometimes it's nice just to talk to an invisible person, and know there is a chance you are being heard. If you want to e-mail me about any of this stuff, go ahead. I'd like to hear from you, let me know somebody is reading this crap.

(June 30th) I met Hanson. My life is one step further towards completion *grins*. I'm still on a high from that experience and it has been ten days. God, they really are wonderful. I will leave you with the image of three young men with dark blond hair. One with long hair, a ready smile and two little shooka-shooka things. Another with piercing blue eyes, a warm welcoming manner and a tambourine. The last with a sparkling smile, new-found grace and a guitar. All three rocking their hearts out, so changed and matured, yet so the same. All with love in their eyes for the music which pours forth from them as they share it with the waiting minds which soak it up like sponges and give back just as much love. Or so they try, in any way they can, be it right or wrong. They question is: will they ever truly know or understand how we (the real fans) feel? I'm afraid of the answer. I pretend I don't know it, for the contemplation makes me so damn sad. That way, I can still go on, and hope that maybe someday they will.

(December 30) My cat died three days ago. A little while previously we had found out that she had cancer of the larynx, and we were trying to make her life as comfortable as possible before we were going to put her down. We could have done it immediatly, but we wanted her home with us, the whole family, loved and cared for, for a little while. I was glad we did that. A more graceful, more pristine, more intelligent and loving cat you could not ask for. She truely was one in a million. I have never met a cat like her and I suppose I never will. She lived with aus a long time. A stay taken in from the streets of Los Angeles in her first year of life, my fifth. Even when we moved she was a little angel. It seems she has always been there, loving me. It's just really hard to grasp that fact that she will never come back. That I will never see her again. That never agin will she sit on my lap, content and loving, demanding to be petted, just looking at me to let me know that her wish was not being carried out. I loved her so much. She will always be missed.